4 Things You Need to Know About Setting Boundaries

Are you a people pleaser? Do you often find yourself giving more than you can give, or giving in to others' requests without any consideration of your own time and energy? If so, it's time to learn how to set boundaries! Boundaries help us maintain a healthy sense of self-worth and make sure we don't get taken advantage of—and they're necessary for protecting our physical and mental health. Setting boundaries means saying "no" when someone asks something that requires more than we can give at the moment. It's also about choosing ourselves over other people's needs (though not always). In this post, we'll go over why setting boundaries is important, how to start setting them in your own life (and holding yourself accountable), and what some common pitfalls are along the way.

Are you a people pleaser?

If so, you might be able to relate to this:

You feel like everyone is looking at you and judging every little thing you do. You worry about what other people think of your decisions, even when it’s someone who hardly knows you. And if anyone ever says anything negative about the choices that you make—even if they don’t know the full story—it can cause such anxiety that it makes it hard for you to sleep at night. The idea of disappointing others feels more dangerous than disappointing yourself.

People pleasers can find it incredibly difficult to set boundaries. The anxiety that comes from the idea of disappointing others can feel overwhelming, and setting boundaries makes it clear that you don't intend to continue people pleasing. If this sounds like you, it's that much more important for you to read on and improve your boundaries!

Why are setting boundaries important?

Setting boundaries is important because they help you to say no, protect yourself, and feel more confident in your relationships.

When your boundaries are clear and consistent, it's easier for other people to respect them. You can also expect that people won't go beyond the limits you've set, which will make them less likely to hurt or offend you. Remember: if someone crosses a boundary with you—even by accident—that doesn't mean they're bad or abusive; it just means they made a mistake!

Setting boundaries strengthens your sense of self-worth because it helps ensure that others treat us with kindness and respect. When we don't set boundaries around what we allow ourselves to do for others (and when), we often end up feeling used and exhausted after trying so hard not only please but also meet everyone else's needs first before focusing on our own wants or desires as well (even though this rarely happens).

Saying "no" is the first step to setting boundaries.

It's okay to say no, and it's okay to say no to people you don't like (even if they're family). You can even say no to people you love, especially if they're trying to take advantage of your kindness. And if someone is taking advantage of your kindness, it's not their fault—it's yours for having been kind enough in the first place! But saying "no" doesn't mean that those relationships will end—sometimes all a person really needs is that extra push out the door, and then everyone can be happier with their separate lives.

If you're worried about hurting someone else's feelings or breaking up a friendship because of what happens when you set boundaries with them but still have a good relationship otherwise, know that it's normal to worry, but that that worry shouldn't stop you from doing what you need to do. The people in your life who are there for you will understand eventually. If a relationship ends because of boundaries you've set, ask yourself if that relationship was truly beneficial for you to begin with. It will feel uncomfortable - but ultimately, you're doing what's best for you.

You do not need to explain yourself to everyone.

Read that again. You do not need to explain yourself to everyone.

There are plenty of people in your life who will not understand or care why you have set a boundary. They may try to convince you that they deserve an explanation, but they do not. If they ask for an explanation and you want to provide one, feel free - but know that you don't have to. "No" is a complete sentence on its own! If someone demands an explanation, they may want to invalidate you or convince you that your explanation isn't good enough. Regardless, you don't owe an explanation of your boundaries beyond what the boundary is.

Be clear and direct when communicating.

It's important to be clear and direct when communicating. If you're not sure what you want, it's okay to ask for help in figuring it out. You can talk about boundaries with a friend or family member who is also struggling with boundaries (or with a professional counselor, like me!). If someone knows that you need more space or time alone, they will respect your wishes more than if you don't say anything at all. The same goes for setting limits on how much contact you have with others: even if the other person is upset by what you've said, they're more likely to respect your right to set limits on interactions—and hopefully see that this isn't personal! If a friend or partner expresses disappointment at seeing less of each other, try explaining that while having fun together is enjoyable, spending time apart helps each person feel refreshed and ready for the next adventure together.

Boundaries are not one-size-fits-all.

Even if you set the same boundaries for everyone, they will likely vary from person to person. This is because everyone has different needs and wants, which means that what works for one person may not work for another.

To be clear: boundaries are not a one-size-fits all solution. There is no generic boundary that will work for everyone; each person needs to determine what works best for them in their particular situation.

We all have different personalities, values and priorities. That’s why we need to take care of ourselves and set boundaries that suit us best. It can be scary to admit to others that we need time to ourselves, or need to take a break from our role to them, but in the end it is beneficial for everyone involved.

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