Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

A conflict with your partner, meeting new people, a big task at work that you need to complete - none of things sound comfortable.

It’s inevitable that throughout our lives, at some point, we are going to feel uncomfortable. We all do things to try to avoid discomfort, as this is natural for us as humans. However, there are times in which avoiding discomfort actually can be harmful, rather than helping the situation. When this happens, we call it “avoidance coping”.

What is avoidance coping?

Avoidance coping is a way in which someone deals with a situation by avoiding thinking about, feeling, or doing the thing that is contributing to their stress. While this feels right in the moment (because in the short-term, it leads to less stress), it often causes more problems than it solves. Most of the time, it is more helpful and more efficient to deal with the problem or confront the concern.

Some common examples of avoidance coping are procrastination, ruminating (thinking about the problem in a non-productive way) or being passive (not doing anything or avoiding action). We might not even be aware that we’re using these mechanisms - but they affect us all the same.

Why avoidance coping doesn’t help

Often, individuals engage in avoidance coping because it seems to help. Initially, avoiding a problem can result in short-term reduction in anxiety or stress. However, in the long term, that avoidance can bring the anxiety or stress back even stronger than it was before!

For example, say you have a big project at school or work that needs to be done. You decide, consciously or unconsciously, to procrastinate - put it off until later. Throughout your day, you’re thinking about needing to do this project, to the point where you’re feeling very stressed. You’ll stay stressed until you get the project done - and the more you avoid, the longer that stress will be there. Then, we often might feel more stressed because we have less time to complete the task than if we hadn’t procrastinated!

In addition to the stress we feel when we are thinking about a problem, but not addressing it, avoidance coping can often make things worse in a situation - forcing our hand, and causing us to have to handle the situation once it gets out of control. For example, if conflict contributes to anxiety, you might avoid conflict in order to feel less anxious. Over time, though, this unresolved conflict can grow and increase the stress in your relationship. This can also lead to heightened anxiety - if we avoid things for long enough, they often seem scarier than they actually are.

When avoidance coping can be a good thing

All this isn’t to say that all forms of avoidance coping is bad. It’s important that we are aware of what we are trying to cope with, and why we need to cope, in order to have an effective response. For example, if it is difficult or impossible to solve a problem at a given point in time, stress relief strategies that affect your response to the problem, but not the direct problem, can be helpful. Some examples include relaxation techniques, exercise, or distraction (like socializing with a friend).

Using avoidance coping in this healthier way can help us to think with a clearer head, and be more effective when we engage in active coping strategies. Be careful with which activities you do this, however - things like substance use, overeating, or “retail therapy” can cause more stress if they are overused, or used inappropriately.

Active coping mechanisms

Active coping mechanisms do exactly the opposite of avoidance coping - they address the problem or help you to shift how you’re thinking about the problem. The main difference is that they change something - rather than running away from the problem.

Some examples of active coping mechanisms are talking through the problem and what could be done about it, creating a plan of action of how you are going to tackle your problem, or seeking assistance such as therapy.

How to stop using avoidance coping

If you’re reading this and it is resonating with you, take a moment to reflect on the ways that you are engaging in avoidance coping. What situations lead you to use these mechanisms? How do they help you in the short-term? As you identify them, recognize them in your life. Writing a list of your avoidance coping mechanisms and keeping it somewhere where you can see/review it frequently is often helpful in keeping your work to reduce avoidance coping front and center.

Once you notice avoidance coping in your daily life, plan and make small changes to reduce your use - such as using an active coping mechanism, asking for help, or putting a plan in place for the future.

If you’re finding yourself stressed frequently, it’s helpful to re-examine the ways that you work through that stress. Helping yourself to calm down and work through your emotions can be great healthy habits. Some examples of this include meditating, talking with a friend, writing in a journal, or using other stress relief techniques listed above.

Finally, you can ask for help from a family member, friend, loved one, or a therapist. Having someone to hold you accountable can be very helpful in your attempts. A therapist in particular can help you to process your attempts and point out ways in which you can make long-lasting changes.

We need to learn how to be uncomfortable

Discomfort is everywhere - to run from it is nearly impossible, and we’ve solidified that running isn’t the best answer. When we experience stress, or negative feelings, or upsetting situations, sitting with how we feel, and taking a moment to understand it, can be helpful.

When we experience negative emotions or stress, often we engage in avoidance because the energy we feel is related to aversion - “I don’t want that”, the brain seems to say. When we sit with our emotions, we can acknowledge that the brain is saying that, while simultaneously knowing that this discomfort is good for us, and we need to actively approach it.

Know when to ask for help

If you’re experiencing difficulty working through avoidance coping, or handling the stressors that cause difficulty with stress management, seeing a therapist can help. A trusted therapist can help you to identify unhelpful habits and find better habits to replace them with, as well as to support you along the way.

Ready to get started? Click here to connect with a therapist at Metamorphosis Counseling!